Lessons From a Lizard on Trust and Safety in a Relationship

In South Carolina where I live, we have these tiny, boldly colored, lizards called Skinks. The interesting thing about Skinks is that when a part of their tail is damaged or severed for any reason, as a survival mechanism, they can regenerate a new one.

I wish the same survival mechanism were available to couples once trust and safety in a relationship have been damaged. But no such mechanism exists. Which is why it is so important to understand the foundational roles which trust and safety play in assuring that your relationship withstands the challenges that all relationships encounter over a lifetime.

When you feel safe you have no need for defensive thoughts or actions. When you feel safe it’s because you trust your environment – which includes your physical environment as well as the people in it. Feelings of safety allow you to relax, to be yourself without pretense or caution.

Trust and safety between two people in a relationship are inextricably bound. When you trust a person, you rely upon that trust and it allows you to feel safe in relationship to them. When you feel safe in relation to another person, you trust they will do you no harm.

Trust and safety therefore, are crucial elements of a healthy, successful and long-term relationship. Afterall, why would you commit yourself to being in a relationship where you could not relax and be totally yourself – “the good, the bad and the ugly” - so to speak? That’s why feelings of trust and safety are rarely a concern in the beginning of a committed relationship.

The challenges to trust and safety arise as the relationship progresses and each partner encounters life experiences which require the making of difficult, and oftentimes unanticipated, decisions. It is almost always the case that when decisions are made within a relationship the consequences of those decisions immediately, or inevitably, affect both partners.

When a parter in a relationship makes a decision that is in his or her best interest without considering its effect upon the other partner, it is the first step towards breaching trust and safety in the relationship.

The use of the word breach in this context is a deliberate choice. It has several meanings and all apply.

• An opening, tear, or rupture.
• A gap or rift, especially in a solid structure such as a dike or fortification.
• A violation or infraction, as of a contract, law, legal obligation, or promise.

When two people join together in relationship, they are consciously creating an energetic bridge between them that is the conduit by which two are able to manage, or carry, what one alone could not. There are spiritual, moral and legal pillars which sustain that bridge. Both partners rely upon that invisible structure. Both rely upon who, and what, is on the other side of that bridge.

When any of these pillars is breached, it creates a crack causing the bridge’s integrity and strength to be compromised.

So, here’s the thing about relationships that deviates from the Skinks. Relationships are rarely, if ever, able to repair that crack in its bridge the way a Skinks repairs its tail. There is no survival mechanism inherent in relationships that automatically repairs damage to safety and trust. The best you can hope for is a noticeable scar upon the relationship and scar tissue beneath its surface if both partners, having faced the breach, choose to recommit to a future together. Too often, the crack widens, safety and trust wane, and the relationship ends as a result.

It sounds pretty dire when it’s laid out like this. Which is why you never want to compromise the safety and trust in your relationship.

It is admittedly difficult to always be forthcoming with your partner about what you are feeling or thinking. Sometimes that’s because you haven’t even figured it out yourself! But as difficult as sharing thoughts and feelings may be, it is exponentially easier than trying to implement damage control after the fact – because one of you did what was best for you without considering its impact upon the other.

Treasure safety and trust in your relationship or marriage. Treat them each as the treasures they truly are. Fragile, priceless treasures. All the success and money in the world cannot buy them – or repair them once their foundation is breached.